This week I have been longing for freedom. Groping for some truth and joy in the "freedom of Christ", I have been reading the Humility ¹ book by C.J. Mahaney. I came to a section which described the pervasive and destructive nature of our pride. He went on to describe the wonders of Christ's ransom paid for our sin for our freedom. At this point I put the book down to think. I was glad but not satisfied. Why? I am longing for some freedom now, some transformation. I don't feel free. I thought, is this longing taking precedence over valuing the cross? Then in a sublime moment, I realized I may never change the way I would want in this life. I may always struggle deeply and have to fight vigorously and fall many times in this life. Transformation that I feel may only be a greater recognition of my need for the ransom. It is disheartening that there may always be a fight. But if that struggle and fight keeps me with a continued display of my dependence on the ransom and it my only real assurance and my only real hope of glory, then so be it. So be it, but God keep me for that purpose alone.

Sure as anything, I want to change. I don't want to sit satisfied where I am. Yet, I feel it is crucial that I dwell and glory in the cross here a little this way. To really be able to stand when Satan says, "Your messed up and you will never change" and I say back to him "maybe, but that is why the ransom is worth so much". I think he may like it when I "defend myself" that I am changing. I am way to prone to see my ease as my good works. If I am not struggling I may not see a need for a ransom.

Picking up the book again, the next few pages talked about transformation! Transformation happens after seeing this need for the ransom. Seeing this ransom is what transformed James and John from emphatically not laying down their lives to humbly serving!

In closing, there is nothing like listening afresh to a long lost doctrinally rich song from youth. I sang it then for the catchy tune, but today I find wonder in the truth. It gives me this profound wonder that God is still at work in my life. I didn't see the depth or wonder of the lyrics before but now I gladly do. Here is one that stumbled across this morning:

Please allow me to introduce me.
Half of me slave, the other half free.
Righteous and sinful,
Both at the same time.
Iniquity and purity
Fill up the same mind.
And out of the same mouth,
The holy and profane.
I curse all my brothers,
Then I bless Christ's name.
I hang in the balance,
But still Im secure.
Im leaning towards evil,
But striving to be pure.

I stand between the saint and
Sinner, chasing after holiness, close
Enough to grasp, but still its just
Beyond my reach.
Who I am is in between,
What I wanna be and what I am.

Pulling from both sides,
Humility and pride.
One seeks to give,
The other to be gratified.
In any case, however,
I know Im in need.
Two appetites in me,
Which one do I feed?
Running fast as I can
After elusive perfection.
No Im not there yet,
But sure Im in the right direction.
Cuz I see me at the end
And I look glorified.
Justified safe inside,
So I seek to be sanctified ²